Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We left the knife in your bed.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
