guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
