bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
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