I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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