your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
