i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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