i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
