would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
