I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
