If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
