She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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