My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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