At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
