There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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