So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
