my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
