I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
