WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
