i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I forget how to act sober
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
