So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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