Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
