I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
