I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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