the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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