Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
