i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
