im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
