I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
