Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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