Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
