Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
