so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
