I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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