apparently the secret to your success is patron
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
