The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
