Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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