I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
