just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize