I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
