Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
