I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
