I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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