Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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