i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
