Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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