i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
