The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
