i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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