The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
