he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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