Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
