so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
