Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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