My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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