I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize