i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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