I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
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